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verbicideUrgh. I started to do the "Firsts" meme and it made me feel so incredibly old and depressed that I deleted it. Things that I thought happened in 97? Actually happened in 87. God. How OLD AM I!
I'm trying to clean my flat. I really, really am. But, I keep getting distracted. At this rate it will take me 3 days to clean up a moderately cluttered 500sqft space. That's pathetic. It's so pathetic, I almost feel angry enough at myself to grab myself by the ear and do it. But then I get distracted again. By what? By nothing. Putting away some green beans I actually managed to hurl the can backward at my own head, cuffing myself in the ear and shoulder. So I decided at that point that I was a danger to myself and others and sat down to watch tv. Some very cute French guy was cooking. This was good. This was soothing. But then fucking Food Network keeps showing this horrible Barry Manilow cd infomercial which makes me immediately turn off the tv. No, changing the channel is not good enough.
I feel paralyzed today. Realizing that I need to start brushing up my resume and apply for jobs. This realization, which hit first thing this morning, left me hiding under the covers for a solid hour.
I hate looking for work (yeah, who doesn't). It's going to completely freak me out. But I need to do it because if I don't and have to move back to Los Angeles, I will actually kill myself. You read it here first, folks.
Job hunting brings out the worst insecurities and self loathing. I end up feeling so worthless, I don't know how well I'll be able to sell myself to someone else. The sucky job market sure doesn't help inspire me. I've been out of formal work since 2002. Will they care that I've survived with my own dinky company and contract jobs? And since this is a new field for me, I'm so not thrilled to start at the bottom AGAIN and claw my way up AGAIN. But I don't have a choice, so I should suck it up and do it. Despite my doubts, I know I can sell myself well. I can fake confidence like a pro. But what if there are no positions? What if no one wants me? What if after this 9mos program and delightful foray into poverty, I can't get back into the market?
Ok, hyperventilating. Need to go hide under covers again. More later.
I'm trying to clean my flat. I really, really am. But, I keep getting distracted. At this rate it will take me 3 days to clean up a moderately cluttered 500sqft space. That's pathetic. It's so pathetic, I almost feel angry enough at myself to grab myself by the ear and do it. But then I get distracted again. By what? By nothing. Putting away some green beans I actually managed to hurl the can backward at my own head, cuffing myself in the ear and shoulder. So I decided at that point that I was a danger to myself and others and sat down to watch tv. Some very cute French guy was cooking. This was good. This was soothing. But then fucking Food Network keeps showing this horrible Barry Manilow cd infomercial which makes me immediately turn off the tv. No, changing the channel is not good enough.
I feel paralyzed today. Realizing that I need to start brushing up my resume and apply for jobs. This realization, which hit first thing this morning, left me hiding under the covers for a solid hour.
I hate looking for work (yeah, who doesn't). It's going to completely freak me out. But I need to do it because if I don't and have to move back to Los Angeles, I will actually kill myself. You read it here first, folks.
Job hunting brings out the worst insecurities and self loathing. I end up feeling so worthless, I don't know how well I'll be able to sell myself to someone else. The sucky job market sure doesn't help inspire me. I've been out of formal work since 2002. Will they care that I've survived with my own dinky company and contract jobs? And since this is a new field for me, I'm so not thrilled to start at the bottom AGAIN and claw my way up AGAIN. But I don't have a choice, so I should suck it up and do it. Despite my doubts, I know I can sell myself well. I can fake confidence like a pro. But what if there are no positions? What if no one wants me? What if after this 9mos program and delightful foray into poverty, I can't get back into the market?
Ok, hyperventilating. Need to go hide under covers again. More later.
