scattering thoughts
Dec. 6th, 2003 04:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
verbicideHaving a really weird food day. Haven't eaten yet today and feel vaguely apathetic towards food. Yet, surrounded by it. Making brisket in the crockpot, which smells good. Defrosting meats for meatloaf for later on this week. Discovered I had some thawed porkchops in fridge and figured better cook them and store before they go bad. Wish I could freeze them again.
Yet I have no desire whatsoever to eat. At all.
Idly cleaning here and there. Picked up living room. Straightened out kitchen and bedroom. Dishes done. Doing laundry. Rearranged hall closet. Should mop, dust, vacuum, etc but don't feel like it. Figure I'll pick up everything, organize and straighten out, and then on Wednesday will mop/vacuum to maximize potential neatness for when I return. It sounds organized, but it's just a great way to put off what I don't want to do today.
Hustling through Hotel New Hampshire for tomorrow's bookclub meeting. Planning on meeting Ellie/Judy for breakfast tomorrow and some light shopping. Then bookclub. Then home. THEN will start Tuesday's project.
I don't think it will take very long. I've got 90% of the re-design done. Now just have to write a stupid report detailing why I did what I did, etc. And prepare 6min presentation for class. *cries* I hate public speaking. It completely freaks me out. I'm awful at it, lots of ums, errs and downcast eyes. Also when I'm nervous, I talk at twice the speed as I normally do, which causes two problems. First, it means I have to prepare a 12 minute speech. Second, it means regardless what I say, no one will understand me.
It was very cool remembering that Hawk had a journal. It sprang me off into looking up other rasfwrjers and that was exciting. It's weird. I started this thing purely because Sarah had sent me a code. I hadn't considered that anyone would ever read it besides her. So how much do you censor your own journal? I mean, of course there's a sense of this being public content, so yeah, don't mention where you buried Hoffa's body, etc. And it's not the same as having an active audience, eagerly anticipating your next pearls, thus feeling the need to produce a worthy document. Well. outside of the realm of wanting a journal to have worthy content to someone, if only oneself.
I was wondering last night what my journal says about me. Why, yes, I am that neurotic: which my journal definitely expresses. I wonder if I ought to be embarrassed by the sheer volume of whine-age. Of complaining about homework. Celebrity lust. Catty comments here and there. Megalomania. I'm worried about how meta this is.
I worry that I worry so much.
I know I could make this friends only. Could have done this from the start and only told Sarah about my lj. Sarah, who is possibly one of the few people I just *am* with, and to hell with the consequences; who, remarkably has stuck around despite it. Or maybe because of it.
It's weird to have a place displaying the insides of you, versus the carefully constructed exterior. I wonder what the journal of my exterior self would look like. I wonder what would happen if I could shut off my brain and not think about pointless things that I know don't matter, don't mean anything.
Ok. Simply must stop typing.
Yet I have no desire whatsoever to eat. At all.
Idly cleaning here and there. Picked up living room. Straightened out kitchen and bedroom. Dishes done. Doing laundry. Rearranged hall closet. Should mop, dust, vacuum, etc but don't feel like it. Figure I'll pick up everything, organize and straighten out, and then on Wednesday will mop/vacuum to maximize potential neatness for when I return. It sounds organized, but it's just a great way to put off what I don't want to do today.
Hustling through Hotel New Hampshire for tomorrow's bookclub meeting. Planning on meeting Ellie/Judy for breakfast tomorrow and some light shopping. Then bookclub. Then home. THEN will start Tuesday's project.
I don't think it will take very long. I've got 90% of the re-design done. Now just have to write a stupid report detailing why I did what I did, etc. And prepare 6min presentation for class. *cries* I hate public speaking. It completely freaks me out. I'm awful at it, lots of ums, errs and downcast eyes. Also when I'm nervous, I talk at twice the speed as I normally do, which causes two problems. First, it means I have to prepare a 12 minute speech. Second, it means regardless what I say, no one will understand me.
It was very cool remembering that Hawk had a journal. It sprang me off into looking up other rasfwrjers and that was exciting. It's weird. I started this thing purely because Sarah had sent me a code. I hadn't considered that anyone would ever read it besides her. So how much do you censor your own journal? I mean, of course there's a sense of this being public content, so yeah, don't mention where you buried Hoffa's body, etc. And it's not the same as having an active audience, eagerly anticipating your next pearls, thus feeling the need to produce a worthy document. Well. outside of the realm of wanting a journal to have worthy content to someone, if only oneself.
I was wondering last night what my journal says about me. Why, yes, I am that neurotic: which my journal definitely expresses. I wonder if I ought to be embarrassed by the sheer volume of whine-age. Of complaining about homework. Celebrity lust. Catty comments here and there. Megalomania. I'm worried about how meta this is.
I worry that I worry so much.
I know I could make this friends only. Could have done this from the start and only told Sarah about my lj. Sarah, who is possibly one of the few people I just *am* with, and to hell with the consequences; who, remarkably has stuck around despite it. Or maybe because of it.
It's weird to have a place displaying the insides of you, versus the carefully constructed exterior. I wonder what the journal of my exterior self would look like. I wonder what would happen if I could shut off my brain and not think about pointless things that I know don't matter, don't mean anything.
Ok. Simply must stop typing.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-12-06 07:28 pm (UTC)*focuses on most peripheral point of entire entry*
no subject
Date: 2003-12-06 07:32 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-06 07:52 pm (UTC)"I think I know, now, what the pull of a webpage is, at least for me: a desperate need to be heard and understood. Why else would I feel the desire to air my thoughts on random subjects to a generic, faceless, and anonymous community, with no expectation of feedback? Because there is no one physically here with whom I can talk and feel my opinion is understood or at least valued. Sticking those thoughts, no matter how petty or inane, on an anonymous webpage provides the possibility of someone reading them and understanding them, but I'll never know if no one reads, or if people read and simply don't care. I'll never have to see the reaction, or lack thereof; never have to feel disappointed and alone despite the attempt." (-anonymous)
Which I thought was rather true, to an extent.
I'm not sure what a journal of the external you would look like. Due to the backwards nature of friendships forged via words rather than face-to-face interaction, I'm not even sure what the external you acts like. I'd have to play fly-on-the-wall in your classroom or something to find out.
*off to Buffy*
no subject
Date: 2003-12-07 02:19 am (UTC)That quote absolutely rules, btw. Totally sums up what I was feeling.
I think you know at least one of the external Mes, after all the back-forth trips. But sure, the first side of my personality you got to know live is the one Judy gets to see, not one a relative stranger would. Which is good, because I'm so quiet with new people, as are you, that we'd never have become friends.
Also.. with chatting online (be it irc or IM or mailing list), that's still a place where I think we hide behind a shell (unless you're BC) and it mirrors social behavior a bit. You get to know the people you're talking to, get a feel for them before you share more personal stuff. Maybe you're less inhibited or freaked because you've got this protective layer, and you're not hung up about things you might otherwise be, but it still takes time. With a journal, those concerns don't exist, in theory. Or something. Mowr. I should go to sleep.